Friday, 22 May 2020

Remember Me?

If you were to ask me why I stopped writing on my blog, I don't think I really have an answer. I didn't stop purposely, it just sort of happened and I never got back to it. Potty training Elsie drained me emotionally and mentally for the majority of last year (it still does now sometimes as we still have issues, but it's getting better) and I just wasn't in the right head space. But it's come to a time where I feel like I need to get back to blogging more than ever. I need a space to vent how I'm feeling without boring anyone on Instagram (unless they choose to then read my blog, and if that's you then hello and thank you!). I don't think it would matter much if anyone read this, it's just nice to have somewhere that's mine to ramble away!...

So, what a surreal time we're living in right now. It feels like we're living in a film! First off, I hope you're OK (as OK as you can be) and haven't been affected directly by the coronavirus - if you have I'm sending love your way. For me, on the whole, I've managed well with life in lockdown so far, don't get me wrong I've had my bad days but overall it's been OK. However, the bad days are creeping in thick and fast now and I'd be lying if I said the whole situation wasn't starting to effect my mental health.

When this all started moving quickly mid-March I was very anxious about catching it and being out of the house, so I was very relieved when the lockdown was enforced and meant I could stay home. It instantly felt safe, and apart from Aled going to work (he works in Ambulance Control) and doing the food shop once a week, we were totally in control of looking after our little family during this worrying time. It didn't help that I was reading the news constantly, which is something I put a stop to weeks ago. Aled will tell me any important updates but other than that I just plod on each day!

I'm very aware of how different everyone's situations are and it took me a while to not feel guilty for being OK with being on lockdown. There's just so much judgement, especially on the home schooling subject! If you're home schooling that's cool, if you're not then that's cool too. Not everyone has the time, resources, energy or want to home school which I would never judge someone for so I hope no one looks at my posts about the kids work and thinks I'm showing off. I'm not. You have to know that I've been furloughed (so I'm not trying to juggle a full day of work whilst sorting the kids out - hats off to those of you who are!), Aled works 12 hour shifts so is here a few days in the week, I'm not busy growing any babies, I don't have a baby to entertain or kids over several different key stages to juggle. I'm home, I have lots of spare time and I enjoy doing work with them - it gives us some structure to the day and passes the morning. Plus Ollie is a little behind on reading and writing so the 1 on 1 time has helped things massively which is a huge bonus. We still have days where we don't do any work too, but overall it has been a welcome distraction.

Home schooling aside, the lockdown has given me time to get jobs done that have been waiting months, the house has never been so clean and tidy (most of the time - kids have a knack for turning everything upside down again within an hour or two) and we've been able to just spend more time together instead of racing around at 100mph with school/work/nursery/swimming/shopping like we normally are. Although the extra time is making we want to redecorate some rooms in the house which is music to Aled's ears... not. Haha! Oliver's behaviour has got better each day too, most likely because I've had time to spend with him instead of rushing him around before school and after work. We've chatted about all sorts of subjects, drawn together, fixed lego, watched new films, it's been lovely - he obviously needed some more time with me and it's helped him to just chill a bit. The same can't be said for Elsie, she's flipped a switch one night a few weeks ago and is in full on threenager mode which is just rubbish. She's OK most of the time but we've had a good handful of hour long screaming sessions for the daftest reasons. Toddlers are a rollercoaster!

But the lockdown is starting to grate on me now. The same two walks we go on are boring, I'm anxious about returning to work even though I'd like the routine and social aspect of going back (and some of my colleagues are working hard to keep things ticking over so it feels weird to not be helping out - but it's impossible with no childcare options), I have no idea how schools are meant to reopen and have the children practice social distancing, the kids have started saying that they're bored and I just miss normality. It's been consuming me recently, and even though I know I'm not alone with feeling like this, it's really hard not to shake it off. I'm trying my best to think past it and be happy but it's not always that easy!

It's just so constant isn't it?! I mean, I love my kids SO much but I need a day off so bad and I know a lot of you can relate to that right now. We're not used to this much time spent in each others company and even though they're not being naughty, I just need a day to recharge my batteries. I have so much respect for any parents who are doing this time on their own, I struggle massively when Aled's on nights (like today) - I need to keep the kids quiet which is almost impossible and I hate how much I end up saying Shhhh!, we can't venture much further than around the block and there's no other adult to talk to. I would normally go over to my Mum and Dad's house with the kids when Al is sleeping or walk over to Conwy for an ice cream so days like today just make me miss things that bit more.

So I'm hoping getting back to writing will help, I'm going to try and play more with the kids (I'm terrible at playing with them - please tell me I'm not alone! Aled is much better thankfully, in case you think neither of us join in), I've started working out which is a huge change for me and doing design work for my new little business, Designs by Em, is a welcome distraction too.

I'll stop wittering on now, but I hope you're coping OK with the lockdown. Just remember that we're all in this together and everyone has bad days. Stay safe!


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