Sunday, 7 June 2020

Sunday Thoughts #11

What a week. First off, if you're reading this, I hope you're OK. This week has been absolutely full on if you're a regular on social media and it's important that you don't neglect your mental health. It's been a historic week where, as a white person, it's been difficult to navigate - I desperately haven't wanted to say the wrong thing but I don't want to be silent either. I want to learn. I want to help. I'm not racist but after this week I'm definitely aware that I need to educate myself further so I can help to educate the kids too. I've watched so many videos and stories this week and I feel so ashamed that we live in a world where black people are still experiencing racial abuse. I can't imagine having to teach my children how to behave if a police officer pulled them over, that they would be treated differently (and sometimes just plain targeted) just because of their skin colour by the people who are meant to be there to protect you.

Racism is such a difficult subject to talk about though. I've witnessed people being racist before and called them out on it as it makes me so uncomfortable and there's just no need for it. But unfortunately I fear that some people will never change even though they could if they wanted to. The term white privilege is something that's been highlighted numerous times this week and it's something that I haven't realised  in full before (I know it should have). White privilege means that I don't get harassed for existing in public locations, no one questions my citizenship, people at work look like me, products are designed for me first (for example simple things like plasters) and my actions aren't perceived as those of all my race. From now on, I promise to listen and amplify the voices of people of colour and be actively anti-racist.

We've made a start by buying some diverse books from Waterstones (Amazon were all sold out of the ones we bought, it would seem a lot of people have done the same which is positive news) and I'm looking forward to them arriving this week. If you were looking at getting some too, we went for Girl, Woman, Other, Ballerina Dreams, Ruby's Worry, The Girls, Rosa Parks, Young, Gifted and Black and All Are Welcome. Looking at our book collection already, a few we already own that have diverse characters in are Yoga Babies, Everybody has a Body, Amazing, Dinosaur Department Store and a Werewolf Named Oliver James. I've seen a couple of posts on Instagram saying that buying books aren't the answer. I know they aren't the answer, there's a lot of work that needs to continue to happen but, along will signing petitions and reading/sharing resources, it felt like a good start in our house right now. If you have come across some good resources this week, please do share them.

So what else have we been up to this week? Well the biggest change is that I've been back in work since Wednesday (which is coincidentally the same day the rainy weather started and hasn't bloody left yet). I was dreading it, it's been an amazing 10 weeks at home with the kids but I knew it wasn't going to last forever. I feel incredibly grateful for this extra time together as a family, even though it is in the shittiest of circumstances. We've had time to do some homeschooling, play more, bake together, teach Ollie to ride his bike, go for walks, have movie nights not just at the weekend and more of the little things too like eat breakfast in our pjs. Life is always so busy so it's been nice not to be constantly rushing about. It didn't go badly at all - it's nice to be back in a routine and have some 'normality' back in our lives. It's ridiculously busy though, I'll be knackered after this first full week back!

I'm back in full time, so on the days where Aled is working the kids are going to the school for the free key worker childcare (as Aled works for the Ambulance Service). This is what I was most apprehensive about. There's only a small handful of children there each day (usually under 10 I think) and it's different teachers each day too. It's been difficult to explain to the kids that it's not their teachers, not their friends, they won't be in their classroom and they won't be doing work there either. I am forever grateful that they have each other though as they are guaranteed that they can sit together and play together throughout the day. But It just baffles me a bit that I can send them there, where Oliver admitted that he had contact with another child when they were playing together and a teacher had to change Elsie's leggings and knickers because she sat in a puddle (classic Elsie) but I still can't let them even go into their Grandparents houses, never mind give them a hug. Not that I'm saying this is the school's fault, I'm beyond grateful for the childcare and the kids have been so happy there, but it's difficult not to feel confused by it all sometimes.

I have no idea what will happen after June 29th though (when schools in Wales reopen) as the kids will only be in for certain days/hours. We haven't had the specifics yet but if they're not offering the key worker childcare on the other days and if nurseries are still closed too then I'm buggered. Even if nurseries were open, it costs £80 a day for the two of them to be in which just isn't do-able in the long term. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it I suppose!

My Mum and Dad moved this week too.... a mere 150 yards away from our house! We kept it a secret from the kids so they were so surprised when I walked them over to say Hello outside on the day they got the keys. Lockdown obviously meant that I couldn't say goodbye to their old house (which they've been in since I was 13), I couldn't help with the actual move and I haven't even seen inside their new apartment either (apart from the Rightmove pictures haha). I can't wait to pop round properly once it's allowed and it'll be nice to have them so close for me and for the kids.

I've neglected working out this week, mainly due to being back in work. I've always struggled to make the effort to exercise after work but I really need to motivate myself to get it done in the mornings before I go as, logically, it's the easiest time of day to get it done. It's just difficult to make time for something that you don't enjoy that much, or see the benefits to just yet. To be honest I'm just angry with myself for letting things get as bad as they are. I worked so hard in 2017 to get to a weight I was happy with and since then I've put over 2 stone on. I can feel it and I can see it but I still struggle to do more about it. I've lost 4 pounds so far which is a start but I've got a long way to go and I just hope I see it through.


Friday, 22 May 2020

Remember Me?

If you were to ask me why I stopped writing on my blog, I don't think I really have an answer. I didn't stop purposely, it just sort of happened and I never got back to it. Potty training Elsie drained me emotionally and mentally for the majority of last year (it still does now sometimes as we still have issues, but it's getting better) and I just wasn't in the right head space. But it's come to a time where I feel like I need to get back to blogging more than ever. I need a space to vent how I'm feeling without boring anyone on Instagram (unless they choose to then read my blog, and if that's you then hello and thank you!). I don't think it would matter much if anyone read this, it's just nice to have somewhere that's mine to ramble away!...
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